


Dirk: Be shitty at staying dead

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, God Tier, M/M, Masochism, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:40:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the prompt: "Dirk likes dying, and Caliborn finds the challenge of making it permanent too sweet to refuse. Things just get worse and worse, as Caliborn finds new and creative ways of killing Dirk. And, weirdly enough, this gives the Strider the strangest boner..."</p><p>uu: I WILL LET YOu CHOOSE.<br/>TT: Choose what? Are you trying to turn this into another one of your asinine games?<br/>uu: KILLING YOu IS ALREADY A GAME.<br/>uu: SO THIS WILL BE A GAME WITHIN THE GAME.<br/>TT: I can’t wait.<br/>uu: I KNOW. THIS IS VERY EXCITING.<br/>uu: ESPECIALLY FOR ME. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE SuRPRISE IS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirk: Be shitty at staying dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ellesra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellesra/gifts).



> Seeing as this involves Caliborn, please be aware there's some misogyny and general ickiness.
> 
>  
> 
> [Written for a kinkmeme prompt, upon request.](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=45141540#cmt45141540)

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
uu: HELLO, DIRK.  
TT: Jesus Christ on a fucking flatbread.  
TT: Okay, I don't know how the fuck you got into our session, but the killing me has got to stop.  
uu: NO IT DOESN'T. THE KILLING YOu IS JuST GETTING STARTED.  
TT: Four times is just getting started? Perfect.  
TT: It’s getting seriously uncomfortable.  
uu: WHY’S THAT? DOES DYING HuRT?  
uu: I BET IT DOES. GOOD. HA HA HA!  
TT: Yeah, it really hurts, which is a problem in multiple ways.  
uu: THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY HuRTING CAN BE A PROBLEM. STOP BEING DuMB.  
TT: I'm going to guess you're unfamiliar with the concept of masochism in that case.  
uu: ARE YOu MAKING uP WORDS AGAIN?  
TT: Never mind.  
TT: My complex relationship with being murdered aside, haven’t you noticed something wrong?  
uu: NO.  
TT: You haven’t noticed the pattern yet?  
TT: Something frustratingly futile about your attempts?  
uu: THEY WERE NOT ATTEMPTS. THEY WERE ROuSING SUCCESSES.  
TT: Uh if your intent is to inconvenience me for a few minutes then sure, they definitely were blue-ribbon spectacular successes.  
uu: SHuT uP. I KILLED YOU SUCCESSFuLLY.  
uu: BuT IN YOuR RuDENESS. YOu KEEP COMING BACK.  
uu: IT’S ANNOYING.  
uu: KILLING YOu IS ENTERTAINING. BuT IT WOuLD BE BETTER IF YOu STAYED DEAD.  
TT: How about you just realize it’s pointless and stop trying?  
uu: NO. IT IS NOT POINTLESS.  
uu: I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO KEEP TRYING.  
TT: As flattering as your inept flirting is, it’s okay; you can stop trying.  
uu: NO, YOu MORON!  
uu: KILLING YOu. TRYING TO KILL YOu. IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOu STAY DEAD.  
uu: uNLESS YOu WANT ME TO KILL THE GIRLS INSTEAD.  
uu: THEY ARE WEAK. SO IT WOuLD BE FAR LESS ENJOYABLE THAN SLAYING YOu.  
uu: BuT I BET THEY WOuLD SCREAM BETTER.  
TT: No, just leave us all the fuck alone.  
uu: I AM GOING TO KEEP KILLING YOu HuMANS.  
uu: THERE IS NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOUT THAT.  
uu: HOWEVER. BECAuSE I LOATHE YOu LESS THAN THE REST.  
uu: IN A WAY THAT MIGHT EVEN BE CONSIDERED A SORT OF FONDNESS.  
uu: I WILL LET YOu CHOOSE.  
TT: Choose what? Are you trying to turn this into another one of your asinine games?  
uu: KILLING YOu IS ALREADY A GAME.  
uu: SO THIS WILL BE A GAME WITHIN THE GAME.  
TT: I can’t wait.  
uu: I KNOW. THIS IS VERY EXCITING.  
uu: ESPECIALLY FOR ME. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE SuRPRISE IS.  
TT: I thought you were going to give me some sort of choice?  
uu: I WAS GETTING TO THAT.  
uu: THE CHOICE IS.  
uu: DO YOu WANT ME TO KILL YOu. AND LEAVE YOuR FRIENDS ALONE. OR TO KILL YOuR FRIENDS. AND LEAVE YOu ALONE.  
TT: You’re actually literally stupid enough that this becomes tricky again, because I’m not sure if you know reverse psychology.  
uu: THAT IS NOT A CHOICE.  
uu: I COMMAND YOu TO CHOOSE!  
TT: Fine, keep killing me.  
uu: YOu ARE FuN TO KILL.  
TT: Yeah, and I might actually have fun being killed if it was someone other than you.  
uu: DON’T INTERRuPT. IT’S RuDE.  
uu: THE SuRPRISE IS. I WAS GOING TO KEEP KILLING YOu EITHER WAY. NO MATTER WHAT YOu PICKED. BECAuSE WHAT YOu WANT IS IRRELEVANT.  
uu: SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE YOu STAY DEAD.  
uu: YOu ARE THE STRONGEST OF YOuR GROuP.  
uu: ALMOST ADMIRABLE, FOR A PuNY HuMAN.  
uu: HENCE YOu ARE THE ONE WHO WILL RECEIVE THE BuLK OF MY ATTENTION.  
uu: AS I TEST ALL POSSIBLE WAYS TO KILL A FALSE GOD.  
uu: WHO REFuSES TO STAY A ROTTING PILE OF MEAT LIKE HE SHOuLD.  
TT: Careful, now. Kinda sounds like you have a crush, dude.  
uu: THAT’S FuCKING STuPID.  
uu: I’M DONE TALKING TO YOu.  
uu: I’M GOING TO GO KILL YOu INSTEAD.  
TT: Again?  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
uu: THAT SHOuLD HAVE WORKED.  
uu: IT’S NOT FAIR THAT IT DIDN’T WORK.  
uu: I DEMAND WE TRY IT AGAIN.  
TT: What part of “God tier means invincible” don’t you get?  
uu: THE INVINCIBLE PART. ONLY I AM INVINCIBLE.  
TT: Well unless you find a way to kill me that’s just, or else I die heroically, I am going to stay invincible for all intents and purposes.  
uu: BuT I CuT OFF ALL YOuR LIMBS.  
TT: And I died of blood loss before you even got the last one off.  
uu: THAT IS uNACCEPTABLE.  
uu: IF YOu AREN’T GOING TO STAY DEAD YOu COuLD AT LEAST TAKE YOuR TIME DYING.  
uu: I WANT TO SEE YOu SuFFER.  
TT: You really do like seeing people in pain, don’t you?  
uu: OBVIOuSLY.  
uu: ESPECIALLY YOu DIRK.  
uu: IT WAS GREAT.  
uu: BLOOD SPOuTING OUT OF YOuR EMPTY LEG SOCKETS LIKE SWEET STRAWBERRY FAYGO SHOOTING OuT OF A FRESHLY SHAKEN BOTTLE.  
uu: AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE. WHO HAD THE PLEASuRE OF ENJOYING THAT DELICIOuS SIGHT.  
uu: LAuGHING AT YOuR MISERY AND TOWERING OVER YOu.  
TT: …  
uu: AS YOuR BLOOD SOAKED THROuGH THE REMNANTS OF YOuR LuDICROuS OuTFIT.  
TT: Do you really have to describe this in detail?  
uu: YES. I HAVE TO.  
TT: You want to.  
uu: YOu WILL HAVE TO SuFFER THROuGH IT.  
uu: JuST LIKE YOu SuFFERED THROuGH ME KICKING YOu IN THE FACE WITH YOuR OWN SEVERED LEG.  
uu: THAT WAS PRICELESS.  
uu: AND YOu BIT YOuR TONGuE SO HARD IT BLED TOO.  
uu: HOW COuLD I EVER FORGET THAT DELICIOuS DETAIL?  
uu: YOu WERE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SCREAM. AT THE uNFATHOMABLE LEVEL OF PAIN I BROuGHT TO ROCK YOuR MEASLY FAKE IMMORTAL WORLD.  
uu: AND YOu WERE OBSTINATE. STILL WOuLDN’T GIVE uP.  
uu: EVEN THOuGH TRYING TO DEFEAT ME IS A STuPID POINTLESS HOPELESS IDEA.  
uu: HEE. HEE. THE WAY YOu PATHETICALLY TRIED TO SWING AT ME. WITH YOuR BORING SWORD.  
uu: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOu KEEP IT WHEN YOu COuLD HAVE SOMETHING WAY MORE AWESOME INSTEAD.  
uu: DIRK I DIDN’T TELL YOu TO SHuT uP.  
uu: I COMMAND YOu NOT TO SHuT uP.  
TT: Can we continue this later? Something came up.  
uu: WHATEVER.  
uu: I WILL SPEND MY TIME THINKING uP A BETTER WAY TO SLAY YOu.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
uu: OK.  
uu: THAT WAS FLAWLESS.  
TT: And yet here I am, responding to your obnoxious messages.  
uu: uGH.  
TT: What ever could have gone wrong?  
uu: YOu’RE THE ONE WHO’S WRONG. NOT ME.  
TT: Yeah how rude of me for my death to be neither heroic nor just while I was fast asleep.  
TT: You didn’t even let me enjoy it this time.  
uu: STOP WHINING. YOu EXPERIENCED THE BEST PART.  
TT: Waking up unable to breathe, drowning in my own blood?  
TT: I only got a few seconds before I passed out again from the combination of agony, blood loss, and being suffocated.  
uu: WELL TOO BAD FOR YOu.  
uu: DO YOu CRAVE MY CRuELTY THAT MuCH, DIRK?  
TT: I don’t know; what do you think?  
uu: I THINK YOu DO. YOu KNOW JUST HOW SAD AND *MORTAL* YOu ARE.  
uu: NEVER MIND THAT THIS IDIOTIC GAME HASN’T LET ME KEEP YOu DEAD YET.  
TT: There must be some way to overcome the respawning feature.  
uu: I WILL FIND IT. SOON.  
uu: I WILL KEEP KILLING YOu IN THE MEANTIME.  
TT: Oh really?  
uu: I WILL CuT OFF YOuR FINGERS ONE BY ONE.  
uu: MAYBE I WASN’T. WHAT’S THE WORD. “CAREFuL” ENOuGH.  
uu: WHEN I JUST HACKED OFF YOuR LIMBS. PERHAPS IF I TAKE MY TIME, AND CHOP YOu INTO SMALLER PIECES.  
TT: Mmhm?  
uu: I WILL PRY OFF THOSE STRANGE, uSELESS SuBSTITuTES FOR CLAWS YOu HAVE ON YOuR HANDS AND FINGERS.  
uu: THEN I WILL TAKE THE PLIERS TO YOuR TEETH. AND REMOVE ALL OF THEM.  
uu: THEN I WILL HIT YOuR uSELESS WIGGLING TORSO WITH THE PLIERS.  
uu: FINALLY. I WILL BASH YOu IN THE FACE. REPEATEDLY.  
TT: Hnnnngh.  
uu: YES YOu ARE CONVuLSING WITH HORROR AT THE THOuGHT OF YET ANOTHER DIABOLICAL PLAN OF MINE.  
uu: ONE THAT WILL FINALLY TEAR YOu INTO ENOuGH TINY PIECES THIS STuPID GAME WILL NOT BOTHER PuTTING YOu BACK TOGETHER. I’M A GENIuS.  
uu: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOu ARE DOING. YOu ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF YOuR COMPuTER, CRINGING. MOANING IN AGONY AS YOu ENVISION WHAT IT WILL FEEL LIKE IN EXCRuCIATING DETAIL.  
TT: Yeahhhhh…  
TT: That’s exactly it, dude.  
TT: Be right back; I gotta go clean up.  
uu: CLEAN uP WHAT? YOuR TEARS? DIRK HuMAN, THAT’S EMBARRASSING. I EXPECTED BETTER OuT OF YOu. THE SAPPY THING WITH THE SOGGY EYES IS FOR BITCHES. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.  
uu: I’M NOT TALKING TO YOu uNTIL YOu MAN uP.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]

 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]  
TT: So when do I get the graphic play-by-play recap of my last murder?  
uu: YOu’RE SO EAGER. TO HEAR ABOuT YOuR OWN DEFEAT AGAIN.  
TT: I sure am. I’ve got a box of tissues right here, ready to go.  
uu: PuT THOSE AWAY!  
TT: What?  
uu: I TOLD YOu THAT YOu AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT SHAMEFUL THING.  
uu: THAT’S FOR GIRLS.  
TT: Uh…  
uu: THE WET THING. WITH YOuR EYES.  
TT: These aren’t for crying, dude.  
uu: WHAT.  
TT: These aren’t for the eye thing.  
uu: YOu’RE LYING. THERE’S NO OTHER REASON YOu WOuLD HAVE TISSuES.  
TT: I must be lying. Just like I’m lying abound slowly unzipping my pants and reaching into my boxers right now.  
uu: WHAT’S IN YOuR BOXERS?  
TT: Something that’s gonna make me need tissues in about two minutes, if you get back to your detailed murder recap.  
uu: NO. HuMANS “CRY” FROM THEIR EYES JuST LIKE OTHER SPECIES. YOu DON’T HAVE EYES IN YOuR PANTS.  
TT: Whoops, looks like you got thrown some new puzzle pieces.  
TT: You had all of your big, kid-friendly pieces laid out on the table, and some wiseass just emptied out a whole new box on top of them.  
TT: What ever will you do about it?  
uu: YOuR BEHAVIOR IS SuSPICIOuS AND I DON’T uNDERSTAND SO. I’M JuST GOING TO IGNORE ANYTHING YOu SAY THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.  
TT: An admirable and effective way to handle your ignorance.  
uu: YOu WERE BEGGING ME TO REMIND YOu OF THE WAYS. I HAVE KILLED YOu.  
uu: SEE WHAT I JuST DID? I IGNORED THE THING YOu SAID THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO DEAL WITH.  
uu: YOu ARE POWERLESS IN THIS CONVERSATION. JuST LIKE YOu ARE WHENEVER YOu INTERACT WITH ME.  
TT: That’d be more convincing if you didn’t point out how you were ignoring something. That actually draws more attention to it than if you just responded to it.  
uu: GO FuCK YOuRSELF.  
TT: I’m just starting to right now.   
uu: DIRK. ARE YOu STARTING. TO HuMAN MASTuRBATE???  
TT: You got me.  
uu: NO. NO. NO.  
uu: THAT IS ABSOLuTELY NOT. WHAT YOu SHOuLD BE DOING RIGHT NOW.  
uu: CEASE THAT IMMEDIATELY.  
TT: No can do.  
uu: SHuT THE FuCK UP.   
uu: I COMMAND YOU TO STOP OR I WILL KILL YOu AGAIN IMMEDIATELY.  
TT: Yeah, talk sexy to me.  
uu: THAT IS NOT SEXY. THAT IS A THREAT.  
uu: WHICH IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF SEXY.  
TT: Haven’t you ever heard of a fetish?  
uu: YES. NO. THAT IS IRRELEVANT HERE.  
TT: Not really.  
TT: Let me spell it out for you to avoid any more cross-cultural misunderstandings: I am sexually aroused by you killing me.  
TT: Every time you kill me, the first thing I do when I reform, still aching and sparkly-new, I pull out my human dick and masturbate to the fresh, vivid memory of how you murdered me.  
TT: Like I’m starting to do right now.  
uu: NO.  
TT: Grabbing my cock.  
uu: STOP THIS AT ONCE.  
TT: Giving it a good squeeze.  
uu: NO.  
TT: Running my hand up and down it.  
uu: NO.  
TT: Stroking the head with my thumb.  
uu: NO!  
TT: Biting my lip as I think about all the times you penetrated me with every weapon imaginable and let my warm blood spurt out.  
uu: I ORDER YOu TO STOP!!!  
TT: Nah, I may type slower with one handed, but no way am I gonna stop.  
uu: I WILL NEVER KILL YOu AGAIN, JuST FuCKING MAKE IT STOP!!!  
TT: What are you going to do with all your time if you stop killing me?  
TT: Focus your attentions on killing my friends instead?  
uu: DuH.  
TT: I’d be careful about that if I were you.  
TT: How do you know the rest of them won’t do the same thing?  
uu: WHAT.  
TT: You think I’m the only one who gets sexually aroused by the sweet yet so short-lived high of dying?  
uu: YOu’RE LYING.  
TT: Do you wanna find out the hard way? I’m sure the first time after you murder her, Roxy would be happy to send you a picture of her vibrator shoved up inside her. Especially if you choke her to death with her scarf; she’s really into that.  
uu: I DESPISE YOu.  
TT: Aww, I’m caliginous for you too.  
uu: I HOPE YOuR SESSION LIVES FOREVER IN AN AGONIZINGLY BORING WAY.  
uu: AND THAT YOu SPEND EVERY MOMENT OF TIME STuCK IN PARALYZING BUT CONSCIOuS BOREDOM. WITH NO MORE DEATH FOR YOu. EVER.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]

**Author's Note:**

> I later wrote a [sort of companion piece to this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1685696).


End file.
